An open letter to myself (12 months back)

If only you knew….

If only you knew back then, what you know now. How different your life would be.

I know there’s nothing you can do to go back and change it but if this letter brings some kind of comfort and makes you feel less lonely….

One year back, you got bored one night and installed a dating app. God knows why it came to your mind to even pick up your phone when most nights you had books to keep you company. You just weren’t ‘that type of a girl.’

And then he pinged you.

You guys started chatting. More like, you did all the talking while he just ‘hmm’d silently. If that’s even a word.

And so it continued, even when you guys exchanged numbers. He would hmm and you would keep on with your friendly banter.

You thought he was so thoughtful. You thought, They don’t make such guys these days. Just because he listened to you.

He was charming, of course. Not the Tom Cruise types but he sent you flowers and whatnots.

He did stuff to make you happy. Now that I look back, it was more like, he was spinning a web, biding his time.

You would talk everyday. But mind you, he had other priorities and you were OK with it because You wanted to be by his side while he built his ‘Emperor.’ That’s what he said, didn’t he? He called you his princess. And you were on cloud nine because this is the second guy who called you that, after of course, your dad.

You thought, “How proud my dad would be!”

It didn’t all happen one night. It was a slow, gradual process. He knew what your weakness was and he made sure not to step on your tail. Instead he cooed and cajoled you.

Love can go either ways. For people truly in love with each other, it is the strength for them. For the ones taken advantage of, it turns into their weakness.

This is what he used to make you fall on your knees. He got you all emotional. He told you he didn’t make much money. That he had to fight tooth and nail to earn his bread and butter. He would cry and make your heart melt.

“Oh poor you.” You would coo to him like a mother to her child.

It didn’t stop at that. He asked you if he could borrow a small amount from you and that he would return it back as soon as he could because he felt disgusted to be asking from his girlfriend. He said all the right words, didn’t he?

You got confused and you thought, “What does it matters if I help him? After all what’s mine is his.”

This continued for some time. He would come up with something for your money, to make itself useful instead of lazying around in your bank account.

You would reason, “After all it’s for a good cause. I’m being a supportive partner.”

Whammy! Good for you, I’d say. I’m sorry. You know how I am. Sometimes I just can’t keep my sarcasm from spilling out.

Surely your bank account started spewing out money into his. You installed some more apps so that the money could be sourced via different places because NEFT turned into RTGS.

Finally came the moment of…

Drum roll please!

He told you he has to pay off the loan he took from a bank.

You had little doubts sprouting by now. But it was too late, wasn’t it? You had already invested so much into this relationship. Even to think about getting out of it was exhausting.

So Miss Goody Pants, which you’ve been since a kid, you took a loan to relieve his burden.

He told you how grateful he was. That you were the best and he is so lucky to have you.

You smiled to yourself while tears spilled out of your eyes. You realized your doubts had come alive. They had been smacking your head all this time while you’d been ignoring your own pleading self.

Your mind started cursing you. It stopped trusting you. Then came sadness, to keep you company.

That guy was an epitome of sadism. He would make you cry and when you did, he blamed you for being “Oh so whiny.”

You started keeping things to yourself, scared he might leave you. You had become so used to this kind of abuse that you felt this is it. This is what love is.

He would come back after a while to tell you that he’s sorry. “But I love you.” Of course, those golden words which watered your heart.

This was enough to fuel your insecurity.

It was a cycle with no end in sight.

And then it hit you all at once.

Enough.

You had to fight back. Not with him. But with yourself. To let go off him, even if the fear of being alone would haunt you forever or so it seemed at that time.

This was the toughest fight. You felt weak. But you had to. It was either that or die a slow death every single moment you were with him.

Well we all know how the story went.

Here I am. Still paying off the loan but I’m happy and I’m content.

I found a new love.

She takes me out to movies and restaurants. She lavishes me with gifts and sometimes we browse the aisles of bookstores together. We giggle as we discreetly reach out for that book, Kama Sutra.

We act creepy while checking out guy’s butts.

We travel to places I’ve always wanted to go but my friends didn’t.

We’ve made a bucket list. And we are going to see it through.

She listens to me and gives me advice on what’s best for me.

I’ve learned to make better choices in life because of her.

No, I did not find her on any dating apps.

The place I found her was a place I least expected to.

She had been there with me throughout my life. She was with me even when I was with that jerk.

It was when I fought with the part of me which was holding me back, that I found my new love.

I found her inside myself, in my heart.

This, my love, is called self love. It will take you some time. But I promise you, you will get there.

It may not feel easy but it will all be worth it.

Trust me, the time and money which you lost, you will get much more in return.

You, will find You.

That, is enough.

You are enough.

2 thoughts on “An open letter to myself (12 months back)

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